The Royal Baby, and the Royal Baby Belly

Image courtesy of whiteasmilk.com

Image courtesy of whiteasmilk.com

My family and I watched the new royal baby leave hospital somewhat later than the rest of the nation.

This was due entirely to my husband’s insistence that we watch it on ‘live TV’. I, on the other hand, being less interested in the astounding news that ‘woman gives birth to baby’, read the paper, whilst he and the girls waited for a glimpse of the tiny new princess.

“They keep mucking the times up,” he moaned. “They said they’d be out by now,” he complained.

Finally, at nearly 7pm, I decided enough was enough, and took an executive decision to gain control of the remote (ie stole it once he left the room).

I changed the channel and put the BBC on.

I was heartened to see that the British Broadcasting Corporation were, as expected, eminently more sensible, and were covering proper news as opposed to training every camera they possessed on the double doors of the mysterious ‘Lindo Wing’.

(What goes on in there? What is ‘lindo’? Where do the non-royals go? Or does it cater only to birth canals stamped with an HRH?)

Suddenly, all was revealed. The BBC were not, it transpires, more sensible, they were merely functioning in real time. For my husband had had the entire family glued not to ITV, but to ITV plus 1, so whilst the rest of the nation watched Kate and Wills emerge, for all of ten seconds, my lot were still watching a set of double doors.

My favourite quote of the coverage came from a journalist who was watching from the studio. She must have subconsciously realized that there was actually little to report other than the obvious (I refer you back to the ‘woman gives birth to baby’ shocker), but she then let rather herself, and womankind, down, by announcing to the nation that you could see Kate still ‘had a belly’ under her dress.

Well, one would hope so, wouldn’t one? Because, firstly, Kate hasn’t given birth to her intestines, but, secondly, she HAS given birth.

The woman has grown an entire human inside her body for 9 months, expelled it out of a hole the width of a pencil, and is staggering down some steps in heels so that the world can stare at the product of her and Wills’ evening entertainment activities.

She’s probably stitched up to the nines and sporting enough padded products on enough orifices to give Memory Foam a run for its money. Give the girl a break!

First published in The Portsmouth News, Tuesday 12th May 2015

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