A Rap about Michael Gove.

After Gove’s ‘rapping’ in the news, I decided to take up the challenge and write my own (c)rap about him. Without further ado, and with thanks to Jay-Z’s ’99 Problems’, here goes…


If you’re having Gove problems I feel bad for you son,

I got 99 problems and Gove’s more than one.


If I wanna get my pension gotta work til 68,

The public think I’m lazy but then haters gonna hate.

Gove you got us working for 16 hour days,

We’re overworked, exhausted, and suffering from malaise.

Gove says we’re the enemies, the enemies of ‘promise’,

But Mikey you da enemy, da enemy of ‘honest’.

You tell us the way forward is ten hour daysies,

But how will kids cope? Your thinking is crazies.

Your policies date from 1983,

You’re blinded by your head being so far up your batt-eeee.

You’ve never taught a lesson yet dictate how we should do this,

Can’t you see your concepts are really kinda ludicrous?

You say that the kids are in need of punishment & rules,

But you suggest writing lines and picking litter up in school.

So if an abused & messed up kid decides to throw a chair,

I’ll have him collect rubbish instead of teach him how to care?

I’ve got GCSEs to PGCEs, Govey, I ain’t dumb,

I got 99 problems and you’re more than one,

Hit me.


If you’re having Gove problems I feel bad for you son,

I got 99 problems and Gove’s more than one.


The year’s 2014 and my lesson plan’s raw,

But Gove’s up my behind, oh shut the front door.

From academies to sacking Sally & opening up free schools,

Stick them right up Gove’s alley when he comes waving his torture tools.

I say “Mike, my man, come to school, come here and spend a term,

Gettin’ down and gettin’ real and teachin’ kids how to learn”.

Dyscalculia, dyslexia: we cater to them all,

Evaluate, differentiate, stopping fighting in the halls.

Inclusion, exclusion, personalised learning plans,

Kinaesthetic, anaesthetic – give one to the Gove man.


HOD and IEPs and APPs for you,

Aspergers to ODD and DAMP for some,

Outcomes and objectives and pupil premium,

Pedagogy, success criteria, the making of resources,

Add some meetings, three a week, it’s horses for all courses.

Write reports and mark 300 books (yes, that’s 300 a week),

Requires improvement, ticking boxes, it’s all in teacher speak.


If you’re having Gove problems I feel bad for you son,

I got 99 problems and Gove’s more than one.


Now once upon a time not so long ago,

I was teachin’ lessons and jugglin’ acronyms, yo,

Now I’m sat seethin’ and tryin’ to rhyme words,

Diggin’ through your policies is like mining for a turd.

I try to ignore ya and talk to the Lord,

But I’m an atheistic RS teacher and Gove’s makin’ me bored,

The schools have had enough, the Gove-ernment is sick,

They’re lettin’ our systems be run by this p-erson,

Everywhere I look Gove’s there harrassin’  ’em,

Tryin’ to play them teachers just like they’re saccharin.

There’s sure plenty sweet bout how they teach their less-ons,

But they got 99 problems and Gove, you’re the main one.

Hit me.


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